Note: obviously I have been guilty of some of these from time to time.
1) "Happy Birthday! You're the best!"
Inevitably some mother (sometimes a father, but usually a mother) wishes their little boy or girl a happy birthday on facebook. It usually goes something like this:
Happy Birthday to my dear little Johnny! One year old today. You are the most precious boy ever! I am soooo grateful for you! I love you dearly!!!!
The responses to these status are usually as follows:
"Aww! Happy birthday to Johnny! You're such a great mother!"
or
"Love this status! You sure are amazing to wish him happy birthday like that!"
or
"I love the picture of you and Johnny! You look absolutely gorgeous! We should talk soon."
The problem, of course, is that little Johnny is not on facebook. In fact, little Johnny can't read. Little Johnny probably doesn't know or care what facebook is. He's a baby! Yet the status is addressed to him. All around affirmation ensues, of course. Now writing letters to someone else who won't read them can be an effective literary tool (e.g. "Dear Mr. President, here is an open letter addressed to you. For starters, you're an idiot..."). However, writing letters to someone who can't even read them, be it a baby, or a deceased person, perhaps lacks that quality of, oh how should I put this?, having a chance that the addressed audience could physically read it.
2) My Supper
Status:
"I made stuffed lobster with garlic, scallops, cilantro, and a red wine vinaigrette on a sauteed spinach salad with glazed apple spice sauce for supper."
Responses:
"Yum! You are amazing!"
or
"Wow, that is incredible! It must be so awesome being you!
or
"You stuffed the lobster wrong. I actually learned lobster cuisine from Chef Michael Bonacini one summer. My lobsters turn out more colourful. More colour means more flavour. That's how I do it."
The inevitable response to all of this is (pardon the grammatical error):
3) The Words to My Song...
Ah yes, maybe the best, and most rampant, of all. These statuses contain the very meaning of life itself, or at least to the person writing them. Let's picture the scenario. Someone (let's say a girl, because their songs are more sappy... haha) is at home alone. She has music cranked up (ok, I've done this too). She's in a very contemplative mood. What is life? Who is she? Then, then the song comes on. Every inch of her being elevates herself to the song. The song is speaking to her. The song is her. Moved by this once in a lifetime event, she runs to facebook, and frantically types the epic words:
Don't you know things can change?
Things'll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
Can you hold on for one more day?
Things'll go your way
Hold on for one more day
Wilson Phillips, you wrote this song forseeing this moment in time.
Now the responses are usually lacking for these statuses. Most people simply are not in the proper state of being to see the magnitude of this status at this particular moment in history. So they remain silent. Others, however, quickly google the lyrics provided, and then write down what the song is, the band, and some other tidbit. Thus, they are made to seem pretty smart as well. Example:
"Wilson and Phillips. 1990. Won the Billboard Music Award for Hot 100 Single of the Year."
"Great song."
or
"Good times."
In other words, the song lyrics status usually backfires when seeking affirmation. The only tried, tested, and true lyrics to use, however, would simply be to write:
"Don't stop believing!"
4) "Prayers Please!"
Not to make light of a serious issue, but every week someone leaves the mysterious status:
"Prayers Please!"
That's it. That's it? "Prayers Please!"? Did someone get hit by a car? Or are you hoping that comic book you want is available on Amazon?
The responses to these statuses are usually:
"Done!"
or
"Aww. I will! Are you ok? Let's talk on the phone soon."
or
"I hope everything is ok. You're the greatest! Much love. Hang in there!"
Very odd indeed. Be careful when asking for prayers on facebook. I personally find it best to give a little bit of information regarding the purpose of these prayers. Why? Because praying that someone else finds a comic book on Amazon is trivial (I'd rather pray that the person gets a life).
5) I "Like" Me
Ahh yes. Someone writes a status. A status on anything. Example:
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman."
Ok. That's pretty good. I like funny status updates. But then the person giving the status, as if to get the affirmation-party started, goes and likes his/her own status.
Like
Oh no! Don't do that! When seeking affirmation on facebook, don't give it to yourself first! At least not in public!
Final Thoughts
I hope this post didn't offend anyone. To be honest, I have done some of these things before. The point was more to laugh at what we do. Why do we seek attention for ourselves like this? We are so starved for affirmation, aren't we. Well, I don't do this stuff on facebook anymore. I'm better than that. I don't need to write status updates in order to feel affirmed...
...that's what this blog is for.